ANIMALS

 

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too. (Samuel Butler)

 

It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English---up to fifty words used in correct context---no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese. (Carl Sagan)

Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails. (Max Eastman)

In the “Dennis the Menace” cartoon series, by Hank Ketcham, Dennis’ cat is named “Hot Dog.”

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens when you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it? (Steven Wright)

To err is human, to forgive, canine.

 

I once had a sparrow alight upon my shoulder for a moment while I was hoeing in a village garden, and I felt that I was more distinguished by that circumstance than I should have been by any epaulet I could have worn. (Henry David Thoreau)

 

Poodles aren’t as absorbent as they look.

 

Man is the only kind of varmint that sets his own trap, baits it, then steps in it. (John Steinbeck)

 

Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.

 

I’ve just bought a Border collie. The one I already had wasn’t bored enough.

 

Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals that returned the questionnaire. (Robert Bralt)

 

When a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose? (source unknown)

Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the snake. The snake didn’t have a leg to stand on.

A dog wags its tail with its heart. (Martin Buxbaum)

 

Sign in a veterinarian’s office: The doctor is in. Sit. Stay. (Gale Shipley)

 

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch. (George Carlin)

 

I gave my cat a bath the other day; they love it. He enjoyed it; it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that… (Steve Martin)

 

I have cats because they have no artificially imposed, culturally prescribed sense of decorum. They live in the moment. If I had an aneurysm in the brain and dropped dead, I love knowing that as the paramedics carry me out, my cats are going to be swatting at that little toe tag. (Paul Provenza)

 

It is just like man’s vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions. (Mark Twain)

 

Butterflies taste with their feet.

 

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants his breakfast. (Funny Times)

 

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. (Chinese Proverb)

 

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. (Bern Williams)

 

It’s practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry.

 

Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn’t know that, so it goes on flying anyway. (Mary Kay Ash)

 

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?...A dog that rips your leg off, then goes for help.

 

If cats could talk, they wouldn’t. (Nan Porter)

 

DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.

 

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. (Garrison Keillor)

 

Mama bear to sleepless papa bear: “How many times have I told you, no coffee after September!”

 

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. (Orson Welles)

 

A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

 

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

 

Two female ostriches were walking down the beach when they noticed two male ostriches running towards them. 

One girl says to the other, “Oh-oh, here come those rowdy boys…we better hide,” and they stuck their heads into the sand.

The two male ostriches run up, stop and look around.  One says to the other, “Hey…where’d they go?”

 

A cat can purr its way out of anything. (Donna McCrohan)

 

Whose cow speaks Russian?...Ma’s cow.

 

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would have thought of that!” (Dave Barry)

 

Posted on a bulletin board: Mixed-breed puppies, $500 each. Ask about special $500 rebate.

 

If you think your dog can’t count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him two of them.

 

Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

 

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not Man’s. (Mark Twain)

 

You cannot look at a sleeping cat and feel tense. (Jane Pauley)

 

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?...Elephino?!  (Bill Webb)

 

FIRST DOG: I can’t figure it out. I’m in perfect physical shape, but I’m constantly anxious.

SECOND DOG: Why don’t you go to a psychiatrist?

FIRST DOG: How can I? I’m not allowed on the couch.

 

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog it is too dark to read. (Groucho Marx)

 

Dogs come when they’re called; Cats take a message and get back to you.

 

BABY SNAKE: Mommy, are we poisonous?

MAMA SNAKE: Why do you ask?

BABY SNAKE: I just bit my tongue.

 

When a dog runs at you, whistle for him. (Henry David Thoreau)

 

It’s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

 

The problem with cats is they get the exact same look whether they see a moth or an axe murderer. (Paula Poundstone)

 

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. (Ann Landers)

 

This weekend I’m attending an animal rights barbecue.

 

Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.” The other penguin replies, “Who says I’m not?”

 

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. (Charles Darwin)

 

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. (Mark Twain)

 

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. (Winston Churchill)