Remember me? I’m the one who’s not you.


It’s kinda fun to hold the door open for people who are far away so they have to run a little! (Aaron Caro’s


A professional is someone who can do his best work when he doesn’t feel like it. (Alistair Cooke)


Act boldly and unseen forces will come to your aid. (Dorothea Brande)


You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. (Dave Barry)


My doctors told me I would never walk again. My mother told me I would. I believed my mother. (Wilma Randolph, Olympic gold medalist)


Mouth shut, eyes open.


Always get eight hours of beauty sleep…nine if you’re ugly. (Betty White)


Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)


The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. (Mark Twain)


I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. (W. C. Fields)


Warming up fish in the microwave at work is the office equivalent of terrorism. (Aaron Karo’s 


Answering machine message, "I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


I'm not going to be the person I am expected to be anymore. (Blue de Chanel)


We don’t need to increase our goods nearly as much as we need to scale down our wants. Not wanting something is as good as possessing it. (Donald Horban)


Wanna go deaf for a few minutes? Bring a metal bolt to an amusement park. Get on the roller coaster with a person who looks terrified. When the ride starts, hold up the bolt and say, “Wait…where did this come from?” (Aaron Caro’s

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it. (Steven Wright)

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music. (Angela Monet)


Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.


I used to pose in front of the mirror at home. I was hopeful. The only thing I was lacking was a bit of bread to buy an instrument. But I got the moves off first, and I got the guitar later. (Keith Richards)


Sometimes when I vacuum, I like to tease everyone else in the house by turning off the vacuum every once in a while for just enough time for them to think “Finally, he’s done,” then I turn it back on. (Aaron


You create your opportunities by asking for them. (Patty Hansen)


He opens himself to all influences---everything nourishes him. Everything is gravy to him, including what he does not understand---particularly what he does not understand. (Henry Miller)


Never moon a werewolf.


I began my education at a very early age…in fact, right after I left college. (Winston Churchill)


I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.


I couldn’t wait for success…so I went ahead without it. (Jonathan Winters)


A problem is a chance for you to do your best. (Duke Ellington)


You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm. (Colette)


If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. (Henny Youngman)


To have more, desire less.


Dip him in the river who loves water. (Proverbs of Hell)


If the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise. (Proverbs of Hell)


People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something that one finds. It is something one creates. (Thomas Szasz)


Being yourself is not remaining what you were, or being satisfied with what you are. It is the point of departure. (Sydney J. Harris)


Promises are either broken or kept.


Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Or as my friend, Dave Cross, puts it, “the fish don’t jump in the boat.”


A change is as good as a rest.


Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart. (Erma Bombeck)

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.


The fear of being laughed at makes cowards of us all. (Mignon McLaughlin)


A wise man sometimes changes his mind, a fool never.


To dare is to lose one’s footing momentarily. Not to dare is to lose oneself. (Soren Kierkegaard)


I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. (Johnny Carson)


Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.


Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning to do afterward. (Kurt Vonnegut)


I’ve just written ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and thrown it far out to sea.


Bunny Berrigan was the nicest and sweetest bandleader of the swing era, and he had a sweet trumpet, too. He was also a terminal drunk who was dead by age 34. One time he was so drunk he couldn't stand up without leaning on the wall, but when it came time for his solo, he stepped up and knocked everybody's socks off. Afterward a girl asked him right out, "How can you be so drunk and still play so well?" He replied, "I practice drunk." (Dion Wright)


I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos. (Aaron