FOOD

 

I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don’t require so much cooking. (Carrie Snow)

 

You can think as much as you like but you will not invent anything better than bread and salt. (Russian Proverb)

 

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

 

Wine is light, held together by water. (Galileo)

 

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you. (Tommy Smothers)

 

Everything I eat has been proved by some writer or another to be deadly poison. Everything I don’t eat has been proved indispensable to life…but I go on marching. (George Bernard Shaw)

 

I had to go on two diets at once…I wasn’t getting enough food on just one.

 

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

 

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore. (Punography)

 

Shake and shake

The catsup bottle.

None will come

And then a lot’ll.    (Richard Armour)

 

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books…how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook. (Andy Rooney)

 

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. (Charlie Brown-Charles Shultz)

 

(Sign above a scale in a doctor’s office) Pretend it’s your I.Q.

 

Appetite is the best sauce. (French Proverb)

 

Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie. (David Mamet)

 

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate make a balanced meal. (M. D. Rosenberg)
 
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit…so eat as much as you want. (M. D. Rosenberg)

 

I’m on a diet where you eat everything you want and pray for a miracle.

 

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

 

A McDonald’s “Breakfast for Under a Dollar” actually costs much more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary-bypass surgery. (George Carlin)

 

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)

 

What do they plant to grow seedless grapes? (Bill Keane “Family Circus”)

 

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six. (Yogi Berra)

 

Bacon is, like, meat candy.

 

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

 

There’s a new garlic diet around. You don’t lose weight, but you look thinner from a distance. (Red Shea)

 

A chain of Elvis Presley steak houses appeals to diners who love meat tender.

 

If I’d known I was gonna live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. (Eubie Blake, pianist and composer. 1883-1983)

 

I enjoy cooking with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food I’m cooking. (Julia Child)

 

We ought to have a diet salad dressing called “500 Island.” (George Carlin)

 

I’m on a grapefruit diet…I eat everything except grapefruit.

 

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, ‘Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.’ (Lynda Montgomery)

 

Microwaves need a “Melt Cheese” option. (Aaron Caro’s Ruminations.com)

 

“Dunlop’s Disease”…When your belly done lopped over your belt.

 

If you don’t chew your food, who will? (Sign on restaurant wall, Oakland, California)

 

If you are what you eat, I’m dead meat.

 

In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn’t danced on TV. (Erma Bombeck)

 

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it. (Jackie Gleason)

 

Life is like a doughnut. You’re either in the dough or in the hole.

 

Where do you go to get anorexia? (Shelley Winters)

 

I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon. (Ellen DeGeneres)

 

A great new diet …you can eat ANYTHING YOU WANT…but you have to eat it sitting around with naked fat people.

 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. (Redd Foxx)

 

Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

 

The most important part of any meal is someone to eat it with.

 

The Japanese eat little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and they, too, suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat and drink whatever you like…speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. (Punography)  

 

Scientists are now saying that obesity can be caused by viruses. I guess you have to eat a lot of them. (Gregg Siegel)

 

The horse and mule live 30 years

     And nothing know of wines or beers.

The goat and sheep at 20 die

     And never taste of scotch or rye.

The cow drinks water by the ton

     And at 18 is mostly done.

The dog at 15 cashes in

     Without the aid of rum or gin.

The cat in milk and water soaks

     And then in 12 short years it croaks.

The modest, sober, bone-dry hen

     Lays eggs for nogs, then dies at 10.

All animals are strictly dry;

     They sinless live and swiftly die;

But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men

     Survive for three score years and ten.

And some of them, a very few,

     Stay pickled till they’re 92.

 

“Never eat more than you can lift” (Miss Piggy)

 

If people were not meant to have late night snacks, why did God put a light in the refrigerator?

 

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

Your body is your current address. (Tom Newbill)

 

The Donger needs food! (John Hughes)

 

I’m on a 60-day diet. So far I’ve lost 45 days. (Minerva Schurke)

 

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

 

Health food makes me sick. (Calvin Trillin)

 

Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)

 

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

 

Here’s a money-saving tip for Christmas: Glue a jujube on a brick and mail it out as a fruitcake. (Julie Brown-Jon Winokur)

 

I opened a box of animal crackers, but there was nothing inside. They’d eaten each other. (Lily Tomlin)

 

I don’t even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. (Katherine Cebrian)

 

I use a smoke alarm as a timer. (Carol Siskind)

 

1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat.

2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat.

3. Lower standards and repeat. (Aaron Karo’s Ruminations.com)

 

Honey is said to be the only food that doesn’t spoil.

 

I never feel lonely in the kitchen. Food is very friendly. (Julia Child)

 

They say exercise and a proper diet are the keys to a longer life. Oh, well. (Drew Carey)

 

I can make the phone ring just by shoving the last oversized bite of burger into my mouth.

 

The way a sauce can redeem a meal is unique to the culinary arts. You can’t pour a liquid over an essay and make it suddenly successful. (Sparrow-Sun Magazine)

 

Hunger is the best sauce in the world. (Miguel de Cervantes)

 

I stand holding the apple in both hands. It feels precious, like a heavy treasure. I lift it up and smell it. It has such an odor of outdoors on it I want to cry. (Margaret Atwood)

 

THE FOUR BASIC FOOD GROUPS:

            1) Fast

            2) Frozen

            3) Take-out

            4) Delivered

 

How to trap fruit flies:
Place a small bowl on the counter.  Put
enough apple cider vinegar to cover bottom of
bowl.  Cover with plastic wrap (tight) secure with
rubber band.  Poke tiny holes (with toothpick) in
top of plastic wrap.  Flies get in and can't get out!

 

An apple pie without some cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze.

 

Everything you see I owe to Spaghetti. (Sophia Loren)