The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. (Demetri Martin)


I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. (Jerry Garcia-The Grateful Dead)


Let your food be your medicine. (Hippocrates)


Dyslexics have more fnu.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. (Punography)

Splinter remover: Duct tape.


An early-morning walk is a blessing for the whole day. (Henry David Thoreau)


I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso. (Rita Rudner)


It is part of the cure to wish to be cured. (Seneca)


I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. (Steven Wright)


There is no medicine like hope.


What disease did cured ham actually have?


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. (M. D. Rosenberg)


Beer is a gateway drug to aspirin.


I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the “Professional Building.” I felt better right away. (George Carlin)


I had amnesia once or twice.


Thousands upon thousands of persons have studied disease. Almost no one has studied health. (Adelle Davis)


Never go a doctor whose office plants have died. (Erma Brombeck)


I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference. (Jay Leno)
I’ve got a wonderful doctor. If you can’t afford the operation, he touches up the X-rays. (Henny Youngman)


I went to the psychiatrist, and he says, “You’re crazy.” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you’re ugly too!” (Rodney Dangerfield)


I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous…everyone hasn’t met me yet. (Rodney Dangerfield)


Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance. (Rodney Dangerfield)


Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.” (Rodney Dangerfield)


The pain-relieving ingredient-there’s always got to be a lot of that. Nobody wants anything less than extra-strength. “Give me the maximum allowable human dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.” (Jerry Seinfeld)


First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. (Steve Martin)


Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? (George Carlin)


Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. (Joseph Addison)


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. (Steven Wright)


If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.


My doctor said I looked like a million dollars…green and wrinkled. (Red Skelton)


A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. (Spike Milligan)


I took some Nyquil and NoDoze at the same time. I had a dream that I couldn’t sleep. (Steven Wright)

They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O. (Punography)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

The chief cause of stress is reality. (Lily Tomlin) 
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings too. (M. D. Rosenberg)