Live every day like it’s your last, ‘cause one day you’re gonna be right. (Ray Charles)


Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man. (Trotsky)


They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I’m going to miss mine by just a few days. (Garrison Keillor)


When I die, I’m going to leave my body to science fiction. (Steven Wright)


These days, my happy hour is a nap.


I’ll tell you how to stay young: Hang out with older people. (Bob Hope)


Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. (John Hughes)


Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.


When it comes time to die, make sure all you got to do is die. (Jim Elliot)


If you continue to work and to absorb the beauty in the world around you, you will find that age does not necessarily mean getting old. (Pablo Casals at 93)


Doctor: “I’m sorry to say, but you are very ill and don’t have much time to live.”

Patient: “Oh No! How long have I got?”

Doctor: “Ten…”

Patient: “Ten!...Ten what? Months, weeks, days!?”

Doctor: “…nine, eight, seven, six…”


Enjoy every sandwich. (Warren Zevon)


You should always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours. (Yogi Berra)


A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time. (Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.)


I look forward to being older, when what you look like becomes less and less an issue and what you are is the point. (Susan Sarandon)


All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses. And to die is different from any one supposed, and luckier. (Walt Whitman)



Three friends die in a car accident, and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor in my time and a great family man.”

The second guys says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…’Look, he’s moving’!!”


How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was? (Satchel Paige)


Life is short, but it’s wide. (Jim Gordon)


They always told me when I was young, “Just wait, and you’ll see.” Now I’m old and see nothing. It’s wonderful. (Erik Satie)


I have a terrible memory; I never forget a thing. (Edith Konecky)


Jiddu Krishnamurti, one of the most revered spiritual teachers of this century, once asked a small group of listeners what they would say to a close friend who is about to die. Their answers dealt with assurances, words about beginnings and endings, and various gestures of compassion. Krishnamurti stopped them short. “There is only one thing you can say to give the deepest comfort,” he said. “Tell them that in his death a part of you dies and goes with him. Wherever he goes, you go also. He will not be alone. (Larry Dossey)


Of the five most important things in life, health is first, knowledge is second and wealth is third. I forgot the other two. (Chuck Berry)


"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee…the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." (Dan Rather-former news anchorman)


Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. (Isaac Asimov)


I don’t know what it means to be mortal, but I’m pretty sure it’s not a compliment. (Woody Allen)


We don’t grow older, we grow riper. (Pablo Picasso)


Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: What do you think is the best thing about being 104?

Woman: No peer pressure. (Sylvia R. Shiner)


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


I’m not lying: Reaching 50 meant a lot to me. For starters, it meant I wasn’t dead. (George Lopez)


I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have facelifts until my ears meet. (Rita Rudner)


The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young. (Oscar Wilde)


Doctor: “I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you.”

Patient: “What’s the good news, Doc?”

Doctor: “They’re going to name a disease after you.”


”When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six, I’ll be ninety.” (Steven Wright)


I’d rather be dead than singing “Satisfaction” when I’m forty-five. (Mick Jagger in a 1975 interview. Mick still performs the song at seventy. I can dig it. It’s still a good song.)


When I die I want to go peacefully, like my grandfather did…in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.


I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. (Clarence Darrow)

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. (Mark Twain)

There is a fountain of youth; it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of the people around you. When you will learn to tap this source, you will have truly defeated age. (Sophia Loren)


I intend to live forever or die trying. (Groucho Marx)


Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty…they merely move it from their faces into their hearts. (Martin Baxbaum)


I don’t like to work out. Whenever I get the urge to exercise, I lie down until it passes. (Al Pacino)


On a grave in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102, The Good Die Young.


Wine is old men’s milk.


“Let us be kinder to one another.” Aldous Huxley’s last words.


Oscar Wilde’s last words on his dying bed: “Either this wallpaper goes, or I go.”


Grandchildren are God’s way of compensating us for growing old. (Mary H. Waldrip)


Doctor: “You’re in great shape for a sixty-year old.”

Patient: “Who says I’m sixty years old?”

Doctor: “You’re not sixty? How old are you?”

Patient: “I turn eighty next month.”

Doctor: “Gosh, eighty! Do you mind if I ask you at what age your father died?”

Patient: “Who says my father’s dead?”

Doctor: “He’s not dead?”

Patient: “Nope, he’ll be 104 this year.”

Doctor: “With such a good family medical history your grandfather must have been pretty old when he died.”

Patient: “Who says my grandfather’s dead?”

Doctor: “He’s not dead?!”

Patient: “Nope, he’ll be 129 this year, and he’s getting married next week.”

Doctor: “Unbelieveable! Why at his age would he want to get married?”

Patient: “Who says he wants to?”


Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter. (Satchel Paige)


I had a friend who was a clown for the Ringling Bros. circus, and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. (Steven Wright)


You are never too old to be what you might have been. (George Eliot)


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-three today, and we don’t know where the hell she is. (Ellen DeGeneres)


Death twitches my ear. “Live,” he says. “I am coming.” (Virgil)


If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, whom would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? (Stephen Levine)


After his annual physical examination, an elderly patient asked the doctor, “Tell me, how long am I going to live.”

“Don’t worry,” his doctor replied. “You’ll probably live to be eighty.”

“But Doctor, I am eighty,” he said.

“See? What did I tell you?”


Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.


The doctors x-rayed my head and found nothing. (Dizzy Dean)


We all have our time machines. Those that take us back are memories, and those that take us forward are dreams. (H.G. Wells)


If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none. (Mel Brooks)


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. (Will Rogers)


There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? (Woody Allen)


Do you think we should drive a stake through his heart just in case? (Peter Lorre to Vincent Price at Bela Lugosi’s funeral)


Even in the valley of the shadow of death, two and two do not makes six. (Leo Tolstoy)


Death is the cure for all diseases. (Thomas Browne)


If my doctor told me I only had six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster. (Isaac Asimov)


In life, unlike in chess, the game continues after checkmate.   (Isaac Asimov)


I would like to be remembered as someone who was extremely old. (Jim Davis-creator of “Garfield”)


Immortality is a longshot, I admit. But somebody has to be first. (Bill Cosby)