PARENTS

 

I got my sense of humor from my parents…That’s why they don’t have one anymore. (Wendy Liebman)

 

Our children give us the opportunity to become the parents we always wished we had. (Louise Hart)

 

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. (Franklin P. Adams)

 

Isn’t  “Bonus mom” better than “Step mom?”

 

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it. (Buddy Hackett)

 

If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others. (Haim Ginott)

 

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. (Erma Bombeck)

 

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark. (Chinese Proverb)

 

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did. (Yogi Berra)

 

What’s it like to be a baby? It’s like being in love in Paris for the first time after you’ve had three double espressos. (Alison Gopnik)

 

If there is a hell, it is modeled after junior high. (Lewis Black)

 

I like children. Fried. (W.C. Fields)

 

Police were called to a day care center, where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

 

Education is not the learning of facts, but the training of the mind to think. (Albert Einstein)

 

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R. (Dennis Miller)

 

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

 

My parents took me to Amish country, to see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TV, no phone…Who wants to see a whole community that’s been grounded? (Jerry Seinfeld)

 

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. (Socrates, 400 BC)

 

Turning the other cheek is all well and good, but Jesus was neither married nor a parent. (Molly Maslin Arbogast)

 

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. (Harry S. Truman)

 

I cheat my boys every chance I get. I want to make ‘em sharp. I trade with the boys and skin ‘em and I just beat ‘em every time I can. (William Rockefeller, father of John D. Rockefeller)

 

A baby is God’s opinion that life should go on. Never will a time come when the most marvelous recent invention is as marvelous as a newborn baby. The finest of our precision watches, the most super-colossal of our supercargo planes don’t compare with a newborn baby in the number and ingenuity of coils and springs, in the flow and change of chemical solutions, in timing devices and interrelated parts that are irreplaceable. (Carl Sandburg)

 

The way I feel, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, I’ve done my job. (Roseanne Barr)

 

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, “Get the hell off my property.” (Joan Rivers)

 

Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head. (Martin Mull)

 

I can take a 15 minute nap in 15 minutes. (Beth Fitchet Wood)

 

Somewhere on this globe every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. (Sam Levenson)

 

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it. (Haim Ginott)

 

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t, either. (Dick Cavett)

 

Too many people grow up. They don’t remember what it’s like to be twelve years old. They patronize; they treat children as inferiors. Well, I won’t do that. (Walt Disney)

 

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. (Steven Wright)

 

Children lack morality, but they also lack fake morality. (Mignon McLaughlin)

 

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half. (Gracie Allen)

 
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home. (Bill Cosby)

 

My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Just you wait.” (Judy Tenuta)

 

A two-year-old is like a blender without the top on. (Jerry Seinfeld)

 

Even very recently, the elders could say [to the youths]: “You know, I have been young and you have never been old.” But today’s young people can reply: “You have never been young in the world that I am young in, and you never can be.”…This break between generations is wholly new: it is planetary and universal. (Margaret Mead)

 

If I ran a school, I’d give the average grade to the ones who gave me all the right answers, for being good little parrots. I’d give the top grades to those who made a lot of mistakes and told me about them, and then told me what they learned from them. (R. Buckminster Fuller)

 

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent. (Sam Levenson)

 

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. (Theodore Hesburgh)

 

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying. (Fran Lebowitz)

 

Once a parent, always a parent. (Tom Shaver)