PARTNERS

 

“Where’s home for you?” a stranger asks a fellow traveler on a plane. “Wherever she is,” comes the reply, as the man points to his wife.

 

The Eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love. (Margaret Atwood)

 

No matter what kind of backgrounds two men are from, if you go, “Hey, man, women are crazy,” you’ve got a friend. (Chris Rock)

 

Shared joy is double joy, and shared sorrow is half-sorrow. (Swedish proverb)

 

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. (Henny Youngman)

 

The secret of a happy marriage?...Do what your wife tells you!” (Denzel Washington)

 

No, I don’t understand my husband’s theory of relativity, but I know my husband and I know he can be trusted. (Elsa Einstein)

 

In a Westways Magazine interview Robert De Niro was asked: “When traveling, is there anything special you always carry with you?” (points to his wedding ring) “This.”

 

I used to believe that marriage would diminish me, reduce my options. That you had to be someone less to live with someone else, when, of course, you have to be someone more. (Candice Bergen)

 

My wife just asked, ’What’s that pile of clothes doing on the bathroom floor? I said, ‘It’s a dead Jedi.”

 

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. (Jack Benny)

 

It takes two to quarrel, but only one to end it. (Spanish proverb)

 

A kiss is lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. (Ingrid Bergman)

 

Thelonius Monk’s wife called him “Melodious Thunk.”

 

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. (Joseph Barth)

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. (Ogden Nash)

Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same. (Erica Jong)

 

You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. (Jay Leno)

 

Never ruin an apology with an excuse. (Benjamin Franklin)

 

The only way to have a friend is to be one. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

 

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

 

Love is blind but marriage is a real eye opener.

 

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. (Oscar Wilde)

 

Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice. (Bill Cosby)

 

Bob read a newspaper story about an actress who’d married an athlete known for his low IQ. He turned to his wife, Mona, and asked, “Why is it that the biggest dolts end up with the most attractive wives?” Mona touched his hand. “Why, thank you, dear,” she said.

 

And they lived happily (aside from a few normal disagreements, misunderstandings, pouts, silent treatments, and unexpected calamities) ever after. (Jean Ferris)

 

The most dangerous food is wedding cake. (James Thurber)

 

My neighbor and his wife get along well considering it’s a mixed marriage…She’s normal. (Mike Melfi)

 

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. (Albert Einstein)

 

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don’t like flowers. I’ve been wearing a great scent. It’s called New Car Interior. (Rita Rudner)

 

The kindest word in the world is the unkind word, unsaid. (Source unknown)

 

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

 

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof—the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

     Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.” So the fairy waved her wand and poof—the husband was 90.

 

The first duty of love…is to listen. (Paul Tillich)

 

Young son: "Is it true, dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

 

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful. (Robert De Niro)

 

For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. (Rainer Maria Rilke)

 

A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers. (Ruth Bell Graham)

 

The whole trade in the luxuries of life is brought into existence and supported by the requirements of women. (Leo Tolstoy)

 

Accept me as I am…only then will we discover each other. (Federico Fellini’s

8 ½)

 

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...Neither works. (Will Rogers)

 

The best proof of love is trust. (Joyce Brothers)

 

It’s easy to halve the potato where there’s love. (Irish Proverb)

 

The only way to have a friend is to be one. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

 

Nothing makes us feel so strong as a call for help. (George MacDonald)

 

A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.

 

Love is or it ain’t. Thin love ain’t love at all. (Toni Morrison-“Beloved”)

 

According to ‘Modern Bride’ magazine, the average bride spends 150 hours planning her wedding. The average groom spends 150 hours going, “Yeah, sounds good.” (Jay Leno)

 

I’m not upset about my divorce. I’m only upset I’m not a widow. (Roseanne Barr)

 

People change and forget to tell each other. (Lillian Hellman)

 

And then there was the male spotted owl who told his wife, “What do you mean you have a headache? We’re an endangered species!” (John Bunzel)

 

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

 

They say married men live longer. It just seems longer. (Bobby Slayton)

 

Humor is the shortest distance between two people. (Victor Borge)

 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
(Eleanor Roosevelt )

 

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. (Heather Cortez-seen in “Mutts”)

 

 “I Love You” in 8 languages:

English-I Love You

Spanish-Te Amo

French-Je T’aime

German-Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese-Ai Shite Imasu

Italian-Ti Amo

Chinese-Wo Ai Ni

Swedish-Jag Alskar

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)

 

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 

Marriage is very difficult. Marriage is like a 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle, all sky. (Cathy Ladman)

 

Any man who drives safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. (Albert Einstein)