RIMSHOT DANDIES

 

How much do pirates pay for their earrings?…A buccaneer.

 

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?...Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

 

A man was driving around the block in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Around and around he drove, but no one was pulling out. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. As the man pulled into the space, he looked up to heaven once more and said…"Never mind. I found one."

 

Hopelessly lost, the man pulled his car into an abandoned gas station in the desert and got out. The only creature there was an owl sitting on a cactus. “Owl, are you able to tell me the quickest way to town?”

“Are you walking or driving?” asked the wise owl.

“I’m driving.”

“Well, that’s the quickest way.”

 

How many people with no sense of humor does it take to change a lightbulb?...One.

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes?...No idea.

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.  After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep.  Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson…look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see a million stars.”

“What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute…then replied:

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentionally billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.  Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What does it tell you?” Watson asked.

Holmes was silent for a moment…And then spoke:

“Watson, you twit!…Someone has stolen our tent!”

 

Dying man: You know, honey, you’ve always been with me through all my troubles. Through all my bad times, you’ve been there. When I got fired, you were there. When my business went down the toilet, you were there. When I had the heart attack, you were there. You know something?

Woman: What?

Dying man: I think you’re bad luck

 

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?...He's all right now.

 

There was a magician working on a cruise ship. He had a parrot that was always ruining his act, saying in the middle of a trick, “The card is up his sleeve,” or “He has a dove in his pocket,” or “He slipped it through a hole in his hat.”

One day the ship sank. The parrot and the magician found themselves together on a life raft. For several days, the parrot sat silent and stared at the magician. On the fourth day, the parrot said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

 

Jill, a blonde, approaches the edge of a river. On the other side she sees another blonde. Jill asks her, “How do I get to the other side of the river?”

The blonde responds, “You’re already on the other side.”

 

A man walks into a cardiologist’s office…

Man: “Excuse me. Can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”

Doctor: “You don’t need a cardiologist. You need a psychiatrist.”

Man: “Yes, I know.”

Doctor: “So why did you come in here if you need a psychiatrist?”

Man: “Well, the light was on...”

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Duane

Duane who?

Duane the bathtub, I’m dwowning!

 

Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

 

Two guys are out walking their dogs. One has a German Shepard and one has a Chihuahua. It’s a summer day and it’s very hot.

Mr. Chihuahua: “Man, it is HOT!  I could sure stand a cold beer.”

Mr. Shepard: “I know what you mean. Hey, I know a place.  Just follow me.”

They walk a couple blocks and get to a bar and with a big sign outside announcing…”NO DOGS ALLOWED.”

Mr Chihuahua: “Look at that sign!  We can’t go in there with these dogs.”

Mr. Shepard: “I’ve done this before.  Listen. I’ll go in first.  Just watch me and do what I do and there’s no problem.”

So the guy with the Chihuahua stands at the door and the guy with the German Shepard goes inside and sits down on a bar stool, the dog sitting on the floor next to him. The bar tender comes over. 

Bartender: “ ‘Afternoon,  buddy.  What can I do for you?”

Guy: “I’d like a cold beer.”

Bartender: “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you with the dog in here.”

Guy: “It’s a seeing-eye dog.”

Bartender: “Well…okay then.”

And he serves him a beer. The guy with the Chihuahua walks in, sits down on a bar stool.  The Chihuahua sits on the floor next to him. The bartender comes over.

Bartender: “ ‘Afternoon, buddy. What can I do for you?”

Guy: “I’d like a cold beer.”

Bartender: “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you with the dog in here.”

Guy: “It’s a seeing-eye dog.”

The bartender leans over the bar to take a closer look at the dog.

Bartender: “But it’s a Chihuahua!”

Guy: “You mean, they gave me a Chihuahua?!!”  (Thanks to Bob Devine)

 

A man asks his dentist, “Do you have anything for yellow teeth?” The dentist replies, “How about a brown tie?”

 

A widow goes to a psychic to try to communicate with her dead husband. The psychic tells her there are three options, $25, $50 & $100.

“For $25, I will contact your husband and you can speak to him. For $50, I will contact your husband, you can speak to him and he will answer you.”

“What will I get for $100?”

“For $100, I will contact your husband, you can speak to him and he will answer you while I drink a glass of water.”

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Control freak. Now you say, “control freak who?”

 

One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint. The crew is missing and believed to be marooned.

 

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a Dog.

 

Nurse (to Doctor): The Invisible Man is in the waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him right now.

 

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

 

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. (Henny Youngman)

 

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?”

 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

 

Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine? He’s completely recovered.

 

What has 200 legs and 5 teeth?…the front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

 

I don’t care what anybody says about me as long as it isn’t true. (Truman Capote)

 

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can’t get out. (Steven Wright)

 

A man visits his doctor after weeks of not feeling well.

“I have bad news,” says the doctor. “You don’t have long to live.”

“How long have I got?” asks the distraught man.

“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.

“Ten? Ten what? Months? Days?

The doctor interrupts, “nine…eight…”

 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

What do you call a dog with no legs?…It doesn’t matter what you call him, he ain’t comin’. (Dom Irera)

 

Two eggs, a bagel and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs. “Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”

 

Patient: Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000! I can’t pay that before the end of the month!

Doctor: Okay, you have six months to live.

 

This guy goes into his barber, and he’s all excited. He says, “I’m going to go to Rome. I’m flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I’m going to see the Pope.” The barber says, “Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you’ll probably be standing in back of about 10,000 people.”

So the guy goes to Rome and comes back. His barber asks, “How was it?”

“Great,” he says. “Alitalia was a wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the Pope.”

“You met the Pope?” said the barber.

“I bent down to kiss the Pope’s ring.”

“And what did he say?”

“He said, ‘Where did you get that crummy haircut?”

 

I fired my masseuse today…she rubbed me the wrong way.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?...He sold his soul to Santa.

 

At a convention of blondes, a speaker insisted that the “dumb blonde” myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked one young volunteer, “How much is 101 plus 20?”

The blonde answered, “120.”

“No,” he said, “that’s not right.”

The audience called out, “Give her another chance.”

So the speaker asked the blonde, “How much is 10 plus 13?”

Slowly the blonde replied, “16.”

“Sorry,” he said, shaking his head.

“Give her another chance,” the audience called out again.

The speaker responded slowly, “Okay then, how much is 2 plus 2?”

The blonde sheepishly replied, “Four?”

The audience called out, “Give her one more chance!”

 

People who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

 

What a hotel! The towels were so fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase. (Henny Youngman)

 

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks
down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole
and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his
face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie.
Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's
GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in.

Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as
fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just
jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was
chained to a railroad tie."

 

I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

 

What’s the difference between a circus clown and a Roman barber? One’s a raving showman and other’s a shaving Roman. (Paul Wagner)

 

A Polock, a lawyer and a blond walk into a bar. The barman leans over the bar and says, “Hey, what is this?…A joke?!”

 

Oh! Oh! Oh!...Dyslexic Santa.

 

Two gypsy fortune-tellers meet on the street: “You’re fine. How am I?”

 

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?...Roberto.

 

E-mail from God
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that
was going on. He decided to send an angel to check it out.
He called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a short time.
When she returned she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth - 95% is bad
and 5% is good".
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send
a male angel - to get both points of view."
When the male angel returned he told God, "Yes, the Earth is in serious
decline - 95% bad and 5% good".
God knew this was quite serious. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were
good to encourage them; to provide that little something to help them keep
going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
You mean you didn't get one either???!!!