We could hardly wait to get up in the morning. (Wilbur and Orville Wright-Inventors of the airplane)


1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter=Eskimo Pi


I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work. (Thomas Edison)


Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality. (Carl Sagan)


I don’t care that they stole my idea; I care that they don’t have any of their own. (Nikola Tesla)


Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas; take your next trip in kilometers. (George Carlin)


It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. (Albert Einstein)


Yesterday I got my tie caught in a fax machine. Next thing I knew, I was in Los Angeles. (Steve Haupt)


My password is MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto, because it has to be at least four characters.


When chemists die, they barium. (Punography)


All toasters should be see-through. (Aaron


Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long. (Ogden Nash)


I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We’ve created life in our own image. (Stephen Hawking)


I always give my future-self way too much credit when it comes to remembering passwords. (Aaron Karo’s


The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts say, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents. (Nathaniel Borenstein)


Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home. (David Frost)


For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3. (Alice Kahn)


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


I don’t want a smart phone; I want a wise phone. (Sparrow)


If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger. (Frank Lloyd Wright)


Who invented the first plane that wouldn’t fly?...The Wrong Brothers. (Sean)


Using my phone, I took a picture of my camera. (Sparrow)


There is geometry in the ringing of strings. There is harmony in the spacing of the spheres. (Pythagoras)


I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. (Steven Wright)


I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone. (Bjarne Stroustrup)


I changed my iPod’s name to “Titanic.” It’s syncing now. (M. D. Rosenberg)


I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving. (Steven Wright)


Don’t fight forces; use them. (R. Buckminster Fuller)


Men travel faster now, but I do not know if they go to better things. (Willa Cather)


As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life…so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. (Matt Cartmill)


Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. (Charles Schulz)


Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.


I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an entire evening in front of it in only eight minutes. (Steven Wright)


In science it often happens that scientists say, “You know, that’s a really good argument; my position is mistaken,” and then they actually change their minds, and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn’t happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time that something like that happened in politics or religion. (Carl Sagan)


Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


The first e-mail was sent over the internet in 1972.


Yawning is your body’s way of saying ’20 per cent battery remaining’.


A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.


Before electric lighting, did we have acoustic lighting? (Joe Futrelle)


When you sit with a nice girl for two hours you think it’s only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute you think it’s two hours. That’s relativity. (Albert Einstein)


The only proof that there is intelligent life on other planets is that they haven’t landed on earth. (Calvin & Hobbs)


Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry.


Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers. (Pablo Picasso)


I bought the latest computer

     It came completely loaded

It was guaranteed for 90 days

     but in 30 was outmoded


Time is Nature’s way of preventing everything from happening at once.


What three things make up an atom? Neutrons, protons and croutons. (Ben, 8, Edgemont Elementary)


Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer. (Henny Youngman)


Sign on an electrician’s truck: "Let us remove your shorts.”


We may prefer to think of ourselves as fallen angels, but in reality we are risen apes. (Desmond Morris)


Scientists at the California Institute of Technology’s “Infrared Processing and Analysis Center” study data from outer space transmitted by our satellites. They also relax and get exercise by playing on a softball team. The name of their team? The Infrared Sox.


New restaurant on the moon…great food…great prices…no atmosphere.


186,000 miles per second…Not just a good idea…It’s the law!!


Life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.


If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?


If you can’t fix it with duct tape, it’s broken. (Mike Malone)


H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.


Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.


One of television’s great contributions is that it brought murder back into the home, where it belongs. (Alfred Hitchcock)


A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct
it is.


The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. (Albert Einstein)


The system of nature, of which man is a part, tends to be self-balancing, self-adjusting, self-cleansing. Not so with technology. (E.F. Schumacher)


I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans. (Stephen Hawking, British physicist, hypothesizing the consequences of aliens visiting Earth)


Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Star Wars: A long time ago, but somehow still in the future.


Okay, so what’s the speed of dark?


To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do. (Galileo)


It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. (Steven Wright)


The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost luggage. (Mark Russell)


We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines? (Aaron Caro’s


What’s all the fuss about Plutonium? How could something named after a Disney character be dangerous?


They say you can’t have too much of a good thing. I wish I’d been a part of that study. (Dwight York)


We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn’t want to meet. (Stephen Hawking)


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. (Emo Philips)


It is not for us to forecast the future, but to shape it. (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)


There are three kinds of people in this world…those who know math and those who don’t know math.


Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.


Alcohol and calculus don’t mix, so don’t drink and derive.