My sex life is like a Ferrari. I don’t have a Ferrari. (Tom Newbill)


Dating sites should have a review section for each member. Now that would make things interesting. (Aaron Karo’s


If someone says ‘I love you’ and you don’t feel the same way, say ‘I love YouTube’ really fast.


There’s nothing like a love song to give you a good laugh. (Alicia in “Notorious” 1946)

I almost had a psychic girlfriend…but she left me before we met. (Steven Wright)

I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here. (Stephen Bishop)

I was born when she kissed me. I died when she left me. I lived a few weeks while she loved me. (Dix Steele, played by Humphrey Bogart, in the movie “In a Lonely Place” 1950)


Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. (Albert Einstein)


If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be ‘bad at following directions’.


Make a girl laugh and you can make her do anything. (Marilyn Monroe)


My friend watched a Batman DVD with a girl on their ninth date. It went ‘dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner BATMAN’.


When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. (Mark Twain)


My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to. (Rita Rudner)


There’s one thing worse than being alone: wishing you were. (Bob Steele)


If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s up.


Actors on Botox look like photocopies. (Kristin Scott-Thomas)


The Theory of Intelligence 

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.' (Cheers)


What do you get for the man who has everything?...antibiotics.


If grass can grow through cement, love can find you at every time in your life. (Cher)


Fifty percent of America’s population spends less than ten dollars a month on romance. You know what they call these people? Men. (Jay Leno)


Never try to pick up a woman who is wearing a Super Bowl ring. (Garry Shandling)


Women are smarter than men, but men have the advantage of not knowing this.


I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain, and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)


A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. (Gloria Steinem)


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. (Mary Sadler)


Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. (Albert Einstein)


I’m officially changing my TV remote’s name to Wally.


Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don’t like flowers. I’ve been wearing a great scent. It’s called New Car Interior. (Rita Rudner)


Can I tell you what makes love so frightening? It’s that you don’t own it…it owns you. (Jack Grimaldi in “Romeo Is Bleeding” 1993)


Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. (Courtney Cox-Monica on "Friends")


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.  (Lana Turner)


In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?? (Hugh Grant)


Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and married men.


Cupid gets a lot of credit for catalyzing true love which overshadows his brother, Stupid, the god of ill-advised, drunken hook-ups. (Aaron Karo)


You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither. (Steve Martin)


Only two groups of people fall for flattery; men and women.


When you’re in love, it’s the most glorius two-and-a-half minutes of your life. (Richard Lewis)


Some girl asked me, ‘Do you believe in coincidences?’ I replied, ‘Are you kidding? I was about to ask you the same question.’


A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


Women have two weapons…cosmetics and tears. (Napoleon I)


I once dated a girl who liked to celebrate Valentine’s Day a week late. That way, flowers aren’t overpriced and candy is half-off. In retrospect, I should have married that girl. (Aaron


I’m better off not socializing. I make a better impression if I’m not around. (Christopher Walken)


It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window. (Philip Marlowe-“Farewell, My Lovely,” 1940)