ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
ACUPUNCTURE: a jab well done.
ADVERTISING: The rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. (George Orwell)
ADVERTISING: Legalized lying. (H.G. Wells)
ADVERTISING: The cave art of the 20th century. (Marshall McLuhan)
ADVERTISING: The “wonder” in Wonder Bread. (Jeff Richards)
ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidently walked through a spider web.
ARBITRAITOR: A cook who leaves Arby’s to work for McDonald’s.
ATOM BOMB: An invention to end all inventions.
BALDERDASH: A rapidly receding hairline.
BARGAIN: Something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist. (Franklin Jones)
BENIGN: What you will be after you be eight.
BOREDOM: The desire for desires. (Leo Tolstoy)
COGNITO ERGO SPUD: I think, therefore I yam.
COGNITO EGGO SUM: I think, therefore I am a waffle.
COMOTOES: When your foot falls asleep.
DECAFALON: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only those things that are good for you.
DEJA MOO: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
DENIAL: A river in Egypt.
DIJON VU: The same mustard as before.
DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
ECLIPSE: What a cockney barber does for a living.
EDUCATION: The path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty. (Mark Twain)
ESPLANADE: To attempt an explanation while drunk.
ETC.: A sign to make others believe you know more that you actually do.
FAX MACHINE: A device that allows someone in another state to pile work on your desk. (Mrs. Webster’s Guide to Business)
FIBULA: a small lie.
FLABBERGASTED: appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
FLABRICATION: The weight on your driver’s license.
FLASHLIGHT: A case for holding dead batteries.
FLATULENCE: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
FREUDIAN SLIP: When you say one thing but mean your mother.
GARGOYLE: Olive-flavored mouthwash.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions, etc.
GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
HECK: Where people who don’t believe in Gosh go.
HEROS: What a guy in a boat does.
HIPATITIS: Terminal coolness.
INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
INTERNET: all of the piracy and none of the scurvy.
LIGHT YEAR: just like a regular year, but with fewer calories.
LOTTERY: A voluntary tax on people who are bad at math.
LYMPH: To walk with a lisp.
MAGAZINE: a device used to induce people to read advertising. (James Collins)
MALLZHEIMER’S DISEASE: The inability of a shopper to remember where they have parked in a shopping center parking lot.
MOMENTUM: What you give a person when they are going away.
OHNO-SECOND: That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.
OPTIMISM: denial for chumps with no life experience. (Detective Milo Sturgis in “Obsession” by Jonathan Kellerman)
OYSTER: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
POKEMON: A Rastafarian proctologist.
PROFESSOR: Some who talks in someone else’s sleep.
PRONOUNS: like normal nouns, just highly trained.
REGEORGITATION: When the vending machine spits back your dollar bill.
REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
RESPONDEZ S’IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you’re Scottish.
RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead.
SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
SATISFACTORY: Where satisfaction comes from.
SUBDUED: A guy who works on submarines.
TELEVISION: Radio with eye-strain.
TELEVISION: The bland leading the bland.
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at the airport.
THESAURUS: A dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary. (Punography)
VACUUM: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
VENI, VIDI, VICE: I came, I saw, I partied.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. (Robert Benchley)
My vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever.