ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

ACUPUNCTURE: a jab well done.

ADVERTISING: The rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. (George Orwell)

ADVERTISING: Legalized lying. (H.G. Wells)

ADVERTISING: The cave art of the 20th century. (Marshall McLuhan)

ADVERTISING: The “wonder” in Wonder Bread. (Jeff Richards)

ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidently walked through a spider web.

ARBITRAITOR: A cook who leaves Arby’s to work for McDonald’s.

ATOM BOMB: An invention to end all inventions.

BALDERDASH: A rapidly receding hairline.

BARGAIN: Something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist. (Franklin Jones)

BENIGN: What you will be after you be eight.

BOREDOM: The desire for desires. (Leo Tolstoy)

COGNITO ERGO SPUD: I think, therefore I yam.

COGNITO EGGO SUM: I think, therefore I am a waffle.

COMOTOES: When your foot falls asleep.

DECAFALON: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only those things that are good for you.

DEJA MOO: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

DENIAL: A river in Egypt.

DIJON VU: The same mustard as before.

DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

ECLIPSE: What a cockney barber does for a living.

EDUCATION: The path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty. (Mark Twain)

ESPLANADE: To attempt an explanation while drunk.

ETC.: A sign to make others believe you know more that you actually do.

FAX MACHINE: A device that allows someone in another state to pile work on your desk. (Mrs. Webster’s Guide to Business)

FIBULA: a small lie.

FLABBERGASTED: appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

FLABRICATION: The weight on your driver’s license.

FLASHLIGHT: A case for holding dead batteries.

FLATULENCE: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

FREUDIAN SLIP: When you say one thing but mean your mother.

GARGOYLE: Olive-flavored mouthwash.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions, etc.

GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

HECK: Where people who don’t believe in Gosh go.

HEROS: What a guy in a boat does.

HIPATITIS: Terminal coolness.

INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

INTERNET: all of the piracy and none of the scurvy.

LIGHT YEAR: just like a regular year, but with fewer calories.

LOTTERY: A voluntary tax on people who are bad at math.

LYMPH: To walk with a lisp.

MAGAZINE: a device used to induce people to read advertising. (James Collins)

MALLZHEIMER’S DISEASE: The inability of a shopper to remember where they have parked in a shopping center parking lot.

MOMENTUM: What you give a person when they are going away.

OHNO-SECOND: That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

OPTIMISM: denial for chumps with no life experience. (Detective Milo Sturgis in “Obsession” by Jonathan Kellerman)

OYSTER: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

POKEMON: A Rastafarian proctologist.

PROFESSOR: Some who talks in someone else’s sleep.

PRONOUNS: like normal nouns, just highly trained.

REGEORGITATION: When the vending machine spits back your dollar bill.

REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

RESPONDEZ S’IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you’re Scottish.

RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead.

SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

SATISFACTORY: Where satisfaction comes from.

SUBDUED: A guy who works on submarines.

TELEVISION: Radio with eye-strain.

TELEVISION: The bland leading the bland.

TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at the airport.

THESAURUS: A dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary. (Punography)

VACUUM: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

VENI, VIDI, VICE: I came, I saw, I partied.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.


Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. (Robert Benchley)


My vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever.